Getting My Grown Woman On: Hell Part 5

Posted on by
1

(continued from Part 4)

I had to focus.

When you want something really bad, you have to ignore the “noise.”  Everyone will always have something to say about everything and this was a sensitive time for me.  Any form of judgement, negativity, or opposition had to be blocked.  I spent a year researching this and I couldn’t spend the duration of my diet defending it from ignorant people who’ve only heard me talk about it for 5 minutes.

Most social events involve food and drinks and I didn’t want to be the asshole ordering water at dinner.

I didn’t go out.  I stopped returning calls, texts, and e-mails.  Except for the occasional, “Look at where I am and what I’m doing,” posts, my Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook remained destitute.  I was so focused I was as funny as Carrot Top.  And this blog was silent.

I poured myself into my work and weekly sessions with Arthur, my hypnotist.

Tears pouring down:

“I have no self control!”

“Do you fart in public?”

“What?”

“Do you walk in public naked?”

(What was he doing at last year’s gay pride parade in San Francisco?)

“Do you curse and scream at everyone in the street?”

(Well how else do I get some spare change?)

“No.”

“Well you have self control.  Change your words Nezza.  You want ‘discipline.’”

“I’m trying.”

“What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear people say, ‘I tried and…..’

“They attempted but didn’t succeed.”

“Exactly.  When you ‘try’ you fail.  I never want you to use ‘try’ again.  Just do it.”

This is how it feels to be hypnotized:

It’s like watching Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video.  I’m engrossed and can’t take my eyes off the screen.  I’m aware of what’s going on around me, you can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do (bark like a dog, do crazy physical stunts, watch Keeping up with the Kardashians) but I’ll acquiese to the suggestions the hypnotist is making that I originally wanted when I first walked in there

Arthur did a combination of introspective therapy where we delved into my past, then hypnotism, and after life instructions where he was like a big brother and advised me on things I needed to work on.  I even got homework that I actually did.

Every session I bawled my eyes out.  It was horrible revisiting my scars and it was wonderful to shed my old skin.

Meanwhile, the food I was eating was super clean so toxins and Candida were dying off.  Everyone has a vice:  drugs, cigarettes, sex, gambling, alcohol, shopping, porn, video games, Seinfeld.

My addiction is one of the hardest and ceasing it produces withdrawal symptoms:  Sugar.

I had headaches, salivation when I saw birthday cakes at my office, and the most unbelievable sugar cravings imaginable.  I would go to Coles (Australia’s Safeway) after work and stare at the cookie aisle.  I poured over pie cookbooks that my roommate had around the house until he caught me and put them away.  I bought Ferrero Rochers for my roommate’s girlfriend and sister and stared while they ate it.

“What the hell are you doing weirdo?”

“I’m living vicariously.  Please keep eating.”

I couldn’t use any self-tanning bronzers or do my normal makeup and hair routine.  I walked around pale and ashy with minimal makeup and flat hair.

If there’s a hell, I was in it.

 

 

 

 

 

Getting My Grown Woman On: If You Fail To Plan, You Plan To Fail Part 4

Posted on by
6

(continued from Part 3)

I needed to lose about 15 pounds.  Although that doesn’t sound like a lot,  I’m only 4’11 and 1/2.  5 feet on a good day.

The diet was going to be extremely meticulous, so I planned everything to the T.  I had a calendar with a daily meal plan, a HCG Diet iPhone app which tracked calories, weight, and stages, various alarms set on my iPhone for reminders of when to take my injections, when to eat, drink water, etc.

The HCG protocol:

<iframe width=”420″ height=”315″ src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/Drd08uDi6EE” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen>

Is she wearing a wig or am I hallucinating?

Along with following the diet’s specific foods and 500 calorie limit, there were other strict rules I needed to follow for maximum effect:

  • All vegetables must be organic
  • All beef and chicken must be hormone free and fish must be wild caught
  • No two meals can be exact on the same day
  • No cosmetics other than lipstick, eyebrow pencil, and facial powder (NOOOOO!!!!!!!)
  • No creams, lotions, or oils
  • Toiletries must be organic and as pure as possible
  • Stop eating after 6pm
  • Drink 1 gallon of warm water purified by Coral Calcium per day
  • Sleep by 10pm
  • No alcohol

The rules were extensive, but I was super charged and determined.

I was going to make this diet my bitch.

(Stay tuned for part 5)

Getting My Grown Woman On: How to Lose 28 pounds in 28 Days Part 3

Posted on by
5

(continued from Part 2)

I’ve been thoroughly researching this controversial diet for a year.  It involves:

  • Taking a hormone for 25 days
  • Following an extreme 500 calorie diet for 28 days
  • The elimination of oil based beauty products during the diet
  • 3 weeks of zero carbs and sugar thereafter

It’s called the HCG Diet.  The mother of all diets.

Reasons that convinced me this was ideal:

  • The HCG Diet is fast; no long hours at the gym to lose 1 pound a week.  With the diet, I’d lose at least 1 pound of fat per day.  And I never work hard; I work SMART.
  • It would reset my hypothalamus, therefore resetting my metabolism.  No more yoyo diets?

SUCK IT, JENNY CRAIG!

  • The HCG Diet results in at least 1 pound of abnormal fat loss per day, the key word being ABNORMAL.  Which means fat from your chicken wings (ladies, you know what I’m talking about, that’s why we all do the Beyonce pose in pictures), your beer belly (or in my case, wine waist), and thunder thighs.  You mean I get to keep my ass and tits?  I haven’t been this excited since they started putting chocolate in peanut butter!
  • Jenny Farley was on it.  

If it’s good enough for J-Woww, it’s good enough for me!

Now here’s the catch:  you have to INJECT yourself with a pregnancy hormone (human chorionic gonadotropin) everyday for 25 days.

You heard right.  Needles.

A shot.  But not the fun kind.

Now for some, this might be a Friday night, but this was not my idea of a good time.  Who wouldn’t be scared $hitless?  It’s not the needles I feared, it’s ME giving MYSELF the injections.  What if I hit a nerve and all of a sudden go Rainman on everyone?  That’s not a good party trick.

So I watched countless YouTube videos on self-administration of subcutaneous injections and to assure myself that everyone was telling the truth about the needle not hurting, this video was helpful (fast forward to the 1:42 mark):

“It’s in?”  (That’s what she said)

It’s question and answer time children!

Why can’t you go on the homeopathic drops in lieu of the injections?

Because it’s the bootleg.  Who wants to carry a fake purse?

Second the drops don’t work as well as the shots.  I’m all about RESULTS.

Why do you want to do this when the FDA claims that HCG doesn’t make you lose weight?

The FDA claims countless prescription drugs as safe.  Years later we see commercials,

“If you’ve taken Accutane and your baby has 4 eyes like the Simpson fish, call Matthews & Associates toll-free at 888-520-5202 for a free case evaluation.”

The FDA is Watergate’s ugly sister.

Why don’t you just go on a low-calorie diet without the HCG hormone?

Because I’ll lose muscle and structural fat.  My ass is already flat without it looking like 2 kneecaps.  

If you’re horrified, skeptical, or intrigued, trust me, before research, I was all 3.  So I’ll give you time to read this:  HCG FAQ’s.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  (If you want more details and have an hour to spare, read this:  Pounds and Inches)

Welcome back.

I called Trim Nutrition and ordered the diet along with Vitamin B12 injections for energy (much props to the sales rep who suckered me in the extras).

Very nice, how much?

$344.90 well spent.

99% of you are judging this.  100% of me doesn’t give a F**k.

(Stay tuned for Part 4)


Getting My Grown Woman On: You are Getting Sleepy Part 2

Posted on by
5

(continued from Part 1)

Every celebrity has an entourage: a hairdresser, make-up artist, stylist, plastic surgeon, therapist, dietician, and trainer to help them reach their top potential.  Although I’m not a celeb, I needed to take cues from them because no man is an island.

First, I wrote a list of things I wanted:

  1. Eva Longoria’s body
  2. ProActiv Solution skin
  3. Spongebob Squarepants’ energy
  4. Tony Robbins’ motivation
  5. The routine, consistency, and stability of an athlete
  6. Madonna’s discipline

Next, I decided to make a Vision Board to help me manifest things quicker.  I wanted to be green so I downloaded VisionBoard on my iPhone (well okay, I was too lazy to walk to Target.)

Then, I wrote down a team of professionals who could help me attain my goals.  I researched the net for days, consulted friends, read books and magazines, finally had a list of names to contact.

The first move I had to make was to get down to the core of what was happening internally.    I needed to change my mindset in order to change my behavior.  But I wanted something more than counseling.  I needed something strong that produced results quick.

I decided to hire a hypnotist.

Google pointed me in the direction of The Sydney Results Clinic, which had the best reviews out of all clinics I researched.

My first appointment was a 30 minute consultation with Arthur Marx:

“So what brings you here today?”

“I want to change my life.  I want to be a better version of me.”

We proceeded to do visualization exercises where I told Arthur what I wanted my life to look like in 3 months, 6 months, and a year.

“The reason for this exercise, based on your answers and your rate of response, is to determine if this treatment is compatible with you.  Some people can’t be hypnotized.”

“So do I pass?”

“Yes, you actually did really well.

This is how it works, we do a series of 5 weekly sessions lasting 75 minutes each.  The first few sessions are dedicated towards getting to the root of the cause and setting up a foundation for the changes to take place.  The sessions after focus on changing your behavior and thoughts where you will be in deep hypnosis.

If you don’t see results within 5 sessions, we add another 3, free of charge.  We’re committed to bringing you results, that’s the bottom line.”

The list of changes I wanted to make was overwhelming and I needed all the support and reinforcement I could get without exhausting my friends and family.  Arthur seemed warm, genuinely interested in my improvement, compassionate, and professional, so I paid the $495 fee for the complete 5 session treatment.  It was an investment in myself.

If I do nothing, nothing happens.

Step 2:  Lose weight

(Stay tuned for Part 3)

Getting My Grown Woman On Part 1

Posted on by
25

So I’ve been M.I.A. for about 7 weeks and 1 day (not that I’m counting).  That’s pretty much committing Blogicide, which I wasn’t intending.

Since I started my job in March things have been going really well there.  My boss laid off 3 people on my team (Australia calls it “being made redundant”) and brought me on board to clean up the overfill of work.

My first day of training, the girl I was replacing called in sick so I idly had to find other things to do, she was hardly at work after that, her training was haphazard and hurriedly done, when I asked her questions she would answer Australia’s favorite line, “Sort it out” and she ended up finding another job and leaving the company earlier than expected, which cut my training short.  Her remaining friends at the company shunned me to show loyalty to her and my boss reported that they had a meeting which she told my boss, “I don’t know what you think you’re doing by hiring her and making me redundant but that was a bad business decision.  She doesn’t know what she’s doing.”

But I’m a diamond.  The more I’m cut and sliced, the more I’m going to shine.

I Googled anything I didn’t know, turned to my remaining team for help, set up meetings with outside vendors (insurance brokers, etc.), blasted IT if things weren’t running smoothly, proactively sought out software training (Salesforce), networked with other departments, remained positive and upbeat.  And I’ve been kicking ass.

Once again, America steps in and fights everyone’s wars.

My manager pulled me aside mid April and said,

“You’re the fastest learner I’ve ever met in my life. You’re the best thing that’s happened to this team in years.  People have told me you’re bubbly and friendly.  You fit in with the company culture.  I’m extending your contract until September, and after that, let’s talk about you staying in Sydney long-term and visa sponsorship through the company.”  

(No I’m not exaggerating for entertainment value Mom, I’m dead serious.)

I was flooded with a mix of emotions:

-Relief I didn’t have to look for a new job anytime soon (my original contract was 2 months)

-Happiness that I’m getting validated and recognized for my work

-Doubt in myself and my capability of keeping this up

-Sadness that I was neglecting my writing and selling my soul for a desk job, which the premise of this blog was against

and last but not least…

-My inner circle and any guy I date will tell you: I FEAR COMMITMENT.

Commitment and me are a mismatched couple.  I’ve always stuck to pre-paid phone plans, I’ve never signed an apartment lease (when I scored my own apartment in San Francisco, it used to be my cousin’s for a year and her landlord didn’t make me sign a new lease), my car is under my Dad’s name, my cousin put me under his family plan for my gym membership (I’m very fortunate to have an amazing family), and when my teaching contract ended in Hong Kong, my boss was pressuring me to sign another 2 year contract extending my visa, I felt cornered and decided to move to Australia.

I can’t plan my life that far ahead.  I don’t even buy green bananas.

On top of all these emotions, I was falling apart.  From working long hours at a desk, the load of work that’s been put on me, my 2 hour daily commute, and various other issues, I was rapidly gaining weight, getting cystic acne, my energy was nonexistent, I stopped going out with my friends, slowly everyone stopped calling me, and emotionally I was a hot mess.

So here we go………………..Drumroll please……………………….

I’m 30.

Yes that’s correct.  Oil of Olay, go F**K yourself.

Internally I’m damn proud of my age because for some strange reason everyone thinks I’m 23.  Not 22, 24, 25, or even late 20′s, the magic number everyone guesses is 23.  Riddle me that, douchebags.

But I digress.  The majority of my life I’ve spent with no routine.  I’ve been living life by the seat of my pants and taking it day by day.  I do the bare minimum of adult responsibility: pay bills on time, do laundry, wake up early, groom myself, go to work, get my nails done.  THAT’S IT.

  • I eat whatever I want and go to the gym once a year.
  • I sleep as late as I want, even when I have to wake up early the next day.
  • I loathe making up my bed (when I was young, my parents used to punish me for not making up my bed so I started sleeping on the floor of my room so my bed would stay made up forever (I was the impossible child)).
  • Hanging up my clothes is another tedious task I avoid.  When I get home, I peel them off and lay them on a chair until they pile up so high I finally get sick of seeing them and decide to hang them up.
  • I’m a genius in the kitchen (if I don’t say so myself, ha!) but I mostly eat out to avoid the food prep and dish washing, and when I absolutely have to wash dishes, I use my buddy….the dishwasher.
  • And cleaning?  For the past 2 years I’ve hired a housekeeper.  She’s deep cleaned, made my bed, and hung my clothes.  Money well spent.

So you get the picture.

Daily conversation with my Mom:

“You need consistency….and a husband.”

and my constant answer

“I’m already in a long-term relationship…….with Fun and Spontaneity.”

So when my boss brought up visa sponsorship, I really examined my hedonistic gypsy lifestyle and asked myself, “Could I settle down, finally take root somewhere, and act like a grown up for once?”

Before I decide to continue with this position at my company and to take residency in Australia, which is a massive and daunting commitment that I can’t take lightly (if you get sponsored by an employer, in the event you lose or quit your job you have to find a new employer to sponsor your visa or you have 30 days to leave the country), I needed a major life overhaul.

Step 1:  Assemble my team

Continued on Part 2

Rough…How Your Mom Likes It.

Posted on by
25

Big shout out to Dylan, who wrote me this email today:

“I hadn’t been reading your blog all too long, but I was really enjoying it- thought you were ‘hella’ funny.  Now, I have been waiting for you to post again! Last post 6 April? Hoping you’re alive :) I waited a while to send you an email, didn’t want to be creepy or harass you, but just wanted to let you know that if you ever have the inkling to post sometime soon, I would very much enjoy it!”

Hella funny?  Oh stop it you.  Okay, tell me more.

Sneak peak at the e-mail I wrote back:

“…..transition……moved…..70 hour weeks at my job….crazy diet….makeover….will be in the States in a week…..discombobulated for the past 2 months….will post full update this weekend.”

Thanks for bringing me back Dylan.  The past 2 months have been pretty rough and intense.  But back to full blast mode and my first love…writing……STAY TUNED.

(Off topic, I just spent 15 minutes going through Leann Rimes’ Twitter pics so if I die tonight, I deserve it.)